There is a beautiful sunset outside right now. Gorgeous pinks and purples shimmering around and through the clouds. Did you ever notice that the most beautiful sunsets appear when there are clouds in the sky? In fact, the more clouds, the more opportunity for the sun rays to shine through the moisture of the clouds and create such beautiful colors.
I promise I’m not going all scientific on you right now. It’s just an amazing analogy of life. Of my life. The more difficult things become, the easier it is for God’s light and love to shine through it and make everything around me beautiful. I’m find that out through experience right now. Really, things haven’t been all peaches and cream since I got back from Iowa City. Am I doing well? I think I’m doing pretty well. I’m “stable” at least. But are things still hard? Definitely. Do I still screw up? For sure. But I need to keep on going. I refuse to let this eating disorder take any more of my life than it already has. I refuse to give up. I refuse to let go of hope. I KNOW it’s there. It’s shining through, but sometimes all I can see are the storm clouds around me. But I’m learning. I think. Sometimes I wish I learned things a little faster. Like how to plan when and what I’m going to eat. It’s frustrating for me sometimes, because I need to put so much energy into planning meal times and what I’m going to eat, but at the same time I’m trying to step OUT of the eating disorder and not let it control my life. It’s a never-ending paradox with which I am going to have to find a way to live.
It’s a ridiculous life. But it’s my life. And I need to just accept it for what it is and go with it. Maybe someday things will be different. Maybe not. But I don’t need to waste my today thinking about tomorrow and what could be.

One of these days I’ll get brave and assertive and ask you aloud. Really. It will happen some day. I promise. It’s 3:30pm and I’m feeling melencholy. I’m not entirely sure why. Mostly because even though I’m “home” in Boone, the world still seems to be moving around me without me. I’m not back in it. I’m the outsider who comes home once a week for a couple days, sits in her apartment, and wishes that she was part of the world again. Part of her world. I know things are going to change once I’m really back. But I feel so useless and in the way right now. Maybe I’ll just stay in Iowa City next weekend like it was suggested to me. (It wasn’t suggested to me in a negative way). That way, I could just sit in the coffee shop, minding my own business, all day long, and not bother anyone else. That’s kinda where I’m at right now. Call it whatever you want, but unless you’ve been away for two months pretty much totally disconnected from your life, with only the phone and internet to stay in touch with people you love, don’t question my feelings. It’s hard. Yes I’ve talked to people online and even a little on the phone, but that’s not the same. It’s not the same as seeing people. Hugging people. Feeling part of something.